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View Full Version : Preview of my new style recommended by Sal


L.A.Matthews
05-12-2007, 06:55 PM
I hope this is slightly less depressing than my other stuff, and hopefully shows more potential. Enjoy.:)

Karl

Karl plays trumpet in his room all day. He surrounds himself with the old Jazz greats – Davis, Coltrane, and Rollins, you know – and snaps his fingers to the groove; digging that Blue Train chug. Although he knew that the Golden era of Jazz had long passed, he couldn’t help but idolise them for not only being pure Jazz essence, but because he knew, and so did his heart, that the rhythm that flowed was more than music. It was more than sound. The quiet tsk’s from the ride cymbal did it most for him, even though he was a trumpeter. Once he heard the little patters that started the piece he knew that what followed was something worth cherishing for not only that moment, but for the rest of the song and the rest of the day. Jazz was not only a hobby for Karl, it was almost his life. If this was the only thing that escaped him from himself, and from his surroundings, surely it was worth being so passionate for.

Of course, Karl didn’t have such a bad life. He was a straight-A student and things were going well for him. Although stunned by the recent break-up of his girlfriend, he found more life within himself; not constrained by anything other than his own boundaries – which were infinite. He could do what he wanted without that lustful eye peering over his shoulder to check.
His parents were separated, in the sense that they live together but swung, so to speak; they were on good terms. They didn’t fight or anything, just ‘disagreements’, as they put it, whereby ‘disagreements’ was a muddy veil for them to put over themselves, rather than Karl. They were obviously naïve of the maturity of their only son. Even so, they were good parents and had a good relationship with him. They encouraged him on his hobbies with music, literature, and whatever else he was interested in. Liberal in their upbringing, too.

Karl was a tall boy that wore old hand-me-downs that his father wore when he was hitting 20 as well. He stooped a little on the shoulders, but nothing that made him look like a freak or a scary recluse that you see in the town, carrying loads of plastic bags. The only thing that his stooped complimented was his trumpet playing; not so much the technique, but the fact it looked cooler than standing upright. ‘You can’t play Miles looking like a stick; you need to feel relaxed with how you feel,’ he’d often respond. He’d often wear straight jeans that showed his long legs, and no top. Often too hung-over to even care about what his hair looked like, he’d play trumpet anyway because it didn’t really matter to him what he looked like. Although saying that, he’d never play his trumpet without showing at least some respect to the instrument.

He woke up one morning, after a night on the fags and cider, to find his mouth like a deep crevice or quarry. He often wondered why his mouth could possibly get so dry after all the fluid he drank – if it really mattered whether it was vodka or cider, he didn’t know. He’d clamber out of bed with all the elegance of what Jazz wasn’t, but that was the joy of Jazz; the elegance in inelegance. Scratching his arse, and trying to slap his lips to get that tiny bit of spit to his mouth, he’d cowboy walk to the bathroom for that hangover shit. Especially with cider you need it, because it seems to dump itself at the very pit of your stomach.

He was just about to leave the toilet, but the mirror caught his eye before he could open the door. For minutes he stared blindly at his own reflection. This wasn’t a gaze of pure vanity, but more like a questioning watch of himself and a deep and close inspection of the crisp creases of his fixed frown.

-L. A. Matthews

Peace-Phoenix
05-12-2007, 08:28 PM
I think this certainly demonstrates your flexibility, which is crucial to good writing. It's like acting, you might think Hugh Grant plays the perfect romantic comedy hero, but when you see that he plays that role in all of his films, you begin to wonder whether he's a good actor or if he's just playing Hugh Grant. But take someone like Jonny Depp, who never plays the same character twice (except for Jack Sparrow in the sequels) and has a tremendous range of accents, and that versatility points to good actings. I think you could do very well writing in this style. You could even combine the two styles in one extended piece, using sections written from the perspective of the character, and sections written outside the characters. My one suggestion for this piece, which is a criticism I've had levelled at my writing in the past and have had to adapt as a result, is that the beginning paragraphs are entirely descriptive/introspective. It's essential, at some point, to get all of what you've said in, but you have to let the reader know why they should care what Karl thinks about such and such or why he's so good at doing something. It might work better if you intersperse these paragraphs with actions. You get to these actions by the fourth paragraph, but it might be better if you start with actions, or bring them in sooner, and weave the mental monologue around them. For example, Karl could see his trumpet, or pick it up, before he considers it. His girlfriend could call, and then you could talk about their recent split, or even put it into dialogue. He could talk to his parents whilst you discuss their relationship. Just a few thoughts, and hopefully you don't think it means I don't like your writing. I wouldn't bother to comment if I didn't think it had potential....

L.A.Matthews
05-12-2007, 08:30 PM
Very good advice, Sal! Thanks a million!:)